that feeling, at this moment, idling, time, worry, it isss

its familiar. i feel it often since sometime in the past.

its where i feel at the moment where im at right now young, that i could be feeling alive and experiencing, but i'm in my room awake idling. feeling more and more behind with each passing second. and that bitter familiar lost of hope and retreat to the idealising about suicide as a relief of it all. that i wont live what i want to live. that frustration floating along hopelessness, pushing like waves aggressively from side to side. completely lost. directionless. 

a gnawing empty gap that grows while idling in anxiety. 

every passing minute, every passing hour, grain by grain of youth drops away.

that chronophobia. while suffocating in fear of change while also wanting it to feel novelty and leave it in the endless list of postponing and avoiding. 

each and every passing second, a small distance i drift behind further.

ive felt it long enough i know myself will not act for change. resolution is only death.

more benefit to me dead now than later, spare me from future pain unavoidable to come. 

that feeling. a slog, a dragging, digging nails into skin, tensing eyebrows, murky, ugliness. 

hope escaping each passing second.

just how familiar are these feelings.

no growth, no progression. bells ringing, its another two years since that month.

im sinking, im sinking, im drowning, im drowning, im falling, im falling. 

im just going to paint all over it and ignore it. 

ill be dead soon eitherway.

dont let that slipping second pass, each one is one of your youthfulness. 

you wont feel alive. you wont get to feel what you want to feel. 

all wants will be left with an absence.  

wandering crowded to desolate streets, to the moment streetlights open in the afternoon sky. 

unplanned time, constant worry of use of time tuck under and kept inside. 

moving thought to thought. waves of loneliness and aimlessness wash by. and wanting to die.

roaming without direction, in efforts to feel alive, but be met with a dullness. another afternoon and evening of youth idled by.

better feel it all early than late.

feel it for the experience, to feel alive. 

so lost i am.

get me out of this person.