friends and social connections can be important

i often fall into self harmful behaviours, habits and a general lifestyle for extended periods of time of social withdraw. sometimes its when im in a low mood it consumes me and i spiral downwards and feel guilt everytime i attempt to get out of the ditch. so i keep feeling worse and worse. i shut myself into this bubble of hopelessness and terrible feelings which obviously is self sabotage yet i still do so. 

but, what keeps me from drowning is when i interact with friends. which usually why monday is what brings me out of the ditch that i fall into every school weekend as i see and am able to be with friends and people i enjoy and feel happy around. 

last summer break i dont think i ever went out with a friend except from going out somewhere but i cant remember it too well. all that i recall much of it is that it wasnt great. i wasted the whole break. i felt terrible. i had barely any social interactions. it was, i dont know how to type it out, but it was not pleasant. 

so if i go out, i am with friends, it helps with not making whats bad as worse as it could be.

especially at a age i am now, your social network, your social connections/friendships are quite crucial to your development as a person and how you understand, interact and create your place in the world. 

 i dont to people as much as some others do. but people offer all sorts of experiences and growth to me. and so i think i should have people in my life. i cant depend on people to fix some of my personal problems, but they can very much aid with many. 

i want to feel a deep, strong bond with someone. 

end of year anxiety

 i have a feeling that i should really do a end of year project compilation of videos or a reflection of the year.

i really have no idea what, i dont know. and its really bothering me,

humans

 our deepest desires and pursuits have primitive roots

yet another random

wont get any new ideas or perspectives or potential progress if i only think with myself. other people offer as said, they offer things ive never thought of [new ideas] which can lead to more thoughts and greater thoughts. 

im one of hundreds of millions capable of thinking to various depths and ways. 

the more people i meet and connect with, theres a high likelyhood i gain knowledge and curiousity of topics and ideas.

231225 random

when i see people younger than me, in public for instance, i always say 'welcome to the sensory experience' to them in my mind. 

its weird.

this brings my mind to time, youth and age. 

things are normalised by people older than us, our significant others we spend the most time with, which effect the way we perceive and conceptualise the world. our senses. what we see, what we hear, what we feel.

what would i be if i had none of my sensory experiences? 

what if i never knew language?

would i be able to experience any of these thoughts i have if i didnt know how to write or speak it out?

i find how my conscious, my mind, me, is all governed by these senses. 

time governs how long i can think about these things to come to new ephiphanies and thoughts which i currently havent thought of yet.

strong, but is it much concern?

 it could be all temporary and it resolves once i leave adolescence. 

i dont know. g

socialising guilt

 i feel guilty for socialising. especially when im with a friend that i like being with and enjoy interacting with them. 

i feel that im infecting them with my negative emotions and also especially if i werent in a great mood before (x) social interaction.

i dont know.

it makes me feel guilty. it makes me feel shamed. it makes me feel conflicted.