i want the world to stop

i want to keep up with the world. unfortunately, as much as i can, i simply cannot. 

except the pain of feeling behind makes trying to and worrying about it irresistible.

this ruthless march of time, why wont it stop, no, why wont it just slow down.

mayybe im at fault. i let my routines, my rituals, the structure of school, it consumes me and im too afraid to change it. im too afraid of unexpected change that it eats me so much i keep postponing and procrastinating. which, well, leaves me here, hundreds of days behind of where i could of been where i wanted to be. 

hopeless, it makes me feel terribly. 

yet know what? worry about it and act not is what i do. drown myself in the routines and monotonous repitition. stare at the white ceiling and keep daydreaming. no mental illnesses. no disabilites. nothing. im fully capable. i just dont, act. what makes it hurt more is exactly how the world keeps going and going. it keeps spinning. time keeps moving down its straight progression. the day i dead draws closer and closer. i sit still while the rest of the world moves past me. i rot. i decay. im frozen. im stuck. im trapped in my mental world full of endless tormenting thoughts. 

i am to blame for all this hurt and frustration. i am fully at fault. everything is my blame. 

its makse me so so so dearly hopeless. 

keep avoiding the things i want and need to do. keep existing. suffocate myself in my routines and self destructive unhealthy lifestyle i cant seem to throw away, cease to progress in life at all, avoid avoid avoid. let the problems grow worse and worse. sabotage myself by avoiding it so it hurts more and more. i feel the same awful things for i dont know how long. i want to escape. i want to fly away. submerge myself in music to escape it all. merge myself, fuse with it. fly away far away from everything. 

the sky, that i want to be. drift away, and disappear. somewhere, just not here. not me or me before. restart even. but better just to cease completely be best. 

i want to keep up so dearly yet, i was put here when i never wanted to. damned to want to keep up so desperately and fail so horribly. wouldnt it be reasonable that i were to just not be? no more of anything. no more of me. no more. i can escape it all. wouldnt it be fair that i just stop existing? i fall so behind. they fade further and further. im invisbible. so why not not be? why not? i want the world to stop. but, really. i want to stop. i.