invalid

all you feel is invalid

all you feel is dramatic

all you feel is just in the moment

all you feel is just because of teenage hormones

all you feel is weak

all you feel is pathetic

all you feel is pointless

all you feel is temporary

all you feel is not real pain

all you feel is not serious

i dont feel ive made much progress in my life the past two years

two precious years

could be somewhere much better than i am now

doesent feel great does it 

giving up on trying to seek deep connections

no matter how hard you try, it wont happen, so i might leave chance to if i find anyone i can really connect with. you do or you dont, just how it is. really deep and meaningful friendships that last for a lifetime where both parties are very likeminded very much do exist, but putting it straight it just isnt common. i feel, i just feel for now, that its up to luck if you do meet anyone of your people.

though you could simply invest more yourself into more connections and social spaces and hobbies/interests to increase the probability of meeting one.

ofcourse, there are endless things that affect that.

most of us are all limited to a certain few hundred or so of people we are able to connect with whilst they are in proximity in your life due to the structure and routine of our lives, were limited to 24 hours a day, were limited to limited fuel and effort, were limited to a limited scope of attention. we dont have that time to try find your people, we have responsibilities like maintaining yourself or working or getting an education. we dont have all the energy, and much that energy goes into the latter. we dont have a lens wide enough to give the right things attention, and we might focus on the wrong things. you cant have the focus and time to build and progress in that connection with that person alongside five others at the same time.

 then some of us might have mental illnesses or disorders and obstructions alike that we have no control of that make surviving in this world just the more difficult and make us just the more painfully lonely.

i do want to mention that these limitations seep into other areas of our lives too

limited choices

all of this, and still, its so so challenging to make a singular long standing deep connection.

maybe friendships, maybe love. maybe you can ditch it. its a few of the dozens of all areas of life. 

some people just dont have what others have, some just get nothing in return no matter how much time, effort and attention they give to that slice of the cake. maybe those other slice of the cake give much more to them than the slices of friendships, a community and love.

i know its not well explained but its a difficult topic to really explain from my end

intersted in too many things

my interest is being brutally pulled by so many creative things, im going to implode

i want to consume so much media

i want to create so much of my own media

i want to create so many creative projects spanning way too many creative fields

i want to create so much

i want to consume so much creative stuff

i also wish i consumed and created the same stuff im into now much earlier

somethign bothering me

 theres likely tens of thousands of cool and likeminded people my age right now that would want to meet people like them just as much as i do but due to location were seperated. 

i want to meet the people id really really feel compatible with and make awesome experiences with them. 

im already at this age and havent even met one of them, sucks.

high english is digging into ideas that im actually interested compared to junior high

 my god of mice of men.

finally.

loneliness!

prejudice!

dreams!

woah im loving this, ill never skip english

noo

 im totally not olivertatemaxxing NOO!!!

im at his age, nono

its not going how its supoosed to noerogegeroghw;howhgowghowgoeroig\

mag life

regular plain loser life

nooooooo

dilemma

i want deep connections

that takes creating a rope that connects eachother

bad things happen

so what would happen when i have a connection i put so much time and effort into, severed. 

it would hurt, clearly it will

afraid of commitment

afraid of it ending

 

feels so conflicting

 one moment im joyful conversing with a friend. comforted by even just their company.

one next moment not much far im back to drowning

i dont

understand

leaves, returns, leaves, returns

 it even gives me breaks, how generous!

or are the breaks just me trying to distract myself from it?

oh well it leaves and always returns

im so sick of it

º∆ªª∆∆∆∆

 if i do take a early exit from this world 

what will i miss?

who will i hurt?