random thought again

questioning identity here

how are most of us different?

okay, lets say a group of people, same ethnicity, live in the same places all their life, go to the same schools, colleges or unis/ work. all their life. same routines, same exposure to interests, hobbies, activities, events, 

the way they've been exposed to how to text, talk, think, 

social ques, whats normal and whats not, whats socially acceptable/expected and whats not

going into the internet too, they all use the same phones and technology, and so, consume the same media and whatnot, same platforms. 

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thought; has the internet allowed a radical development of identity through its massive diversity of media and thus exposure of knowledge, interests and sensory experience influencing a users/persons identity?

---

what exactly makes them unique?

what makes those random thoughts, those questions, peaks of interests on something, that form our identity, happen if they are all exposed to the same influences and sensory experiences and what not?

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this thought came from a philosophy club session some weeks ago around 'Thesus' ship' and empiricism and rationalism. 

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entry /

i expect to feel more alive, by leaving inside to get a bit of fresh air in attempt to stop feeling suffocated, yet once im out. what do i feel? no different.

i still feel trapped inside my mind. trapped with the same feelings and wants and thoughts.

going out and being with social company and engaging in social interactions does keep me out of it, its just no use since it always present in the background and strikes back afterwards.

those profound, emotional, touching conversations and connections i crave so much.

those moving youthful teenage experiences.

why cant i change my life?

why cant i change myself?

why cant i act?

i want to feel deeply

i want to experience

i want to develop and grow

i dont want to feel empty anymore

i dont want to feel stuck anymore

i dont want to feel behind anymore

im collapsing, im falling, im rotting, im drowning

falling! falling! falling!

i get older everyday. those youthful experiences fall further and further from my reach

those points of progress fall further and further from my reach.

just when will it halt

bury it

emptiness

hopelessness

lowness

hurtings

bury it

bury it

bury it all

deep down

bury it

bury it deep inside you

that it doesent appear on the surface

dont show it to anyone

dont share it to anyone

put the shell on yourself so it doesent show

so noone notices, noone knows

bury it inside you

deeper and deeper

it gets dirtier

it rusts more and more

it gets more and more swollen

more and more suffocating

it gets worse and worse

but bury it more and more

not serious

not real

not valid

just temporary

fake dramatic weak pathetic stupid too sensitive snowflake hormonal teenage idiot

suffocation

 im tired of this suffocation

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

im tired

i really am tired. 

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

existential crisis drag

ive been asking myself the same questions.

why am i living everyday?

why do i go to school everyday?

why is everyday so pointless and aimless?

for the past 2 years or more now

and i havent acted much on them.

i think of them, have had some similar ones through that time til now

and have done nothing

this same existential crisis, with its, what i call 'existential sparks/hits', that come every now and then

currently

havent created that meaning

havent changed my life in a radical way

havent done anything really

just day to day. exist. survive. auto pilot

well, ive just stared idealizing the concept of death onto myself, maybe thats something 

beauty of sadness

 so much sad media i consume, but yet all so beautiful.

from musicians to writers to filmmakers.

creativity and creatives. 

does being a creator just have to be so painful for the pursuit of its beauty? 

are there actually any person(s) reading this blog? comment ig i want to know

 theres 1-3/4 views under most my entries on this blog but i really dont know if its just me viewing it or actual people. wahfufafwfj i dont know

2404 random

i want to feel alive. i want to feel alive. i want to feel alive.

it hurts it does. 

i am alive. i dont feel alive.

i am a cadaver only alive.

ive been drowning and suffocating.

burning and melting. 

how long, dont know

attempts of illusion of change and progress

how can i make the new radical come into my life?

of novelty, wonder, discovery, depth

that anticipated next moving epiphany

that next chain of new thoughts, feelings and wants 

the pages of my book turn and turn and i dont write in any of them

watching my youth slip from my grasp in unintended voluntary self sabotage.

missed, lost, passed.

this endless spin of the world

my temporary spark of time in this world

seeking gratification with acts of indulgence in easy, quick pleasures , really just masked as poison, to satisfy simple carnal, primal desires innate to the human condition in attempt of seemingly arbitrary compensation for this absurd, painful, dull and much full of triviality, state of being.

untitled - entry

ive wanted to stop existing many times.

————————

i dont know how long ive been lost

but it feels like enough for me.

im sure,

i wont live a life ill be satisfied with

i wont live as and to be someone ill be fulfilled with

i wont be special or sensational

i wont achieve much

this, game, i dont to play it

even if it gets better, i have this free choice

and i have full right to act on it

sleep is escape from this interruption

i woke up a few hours ago, and stayed in bed daydreaming for some time then got up

the exact moment i woke up 

i wanted to return to sleep, i daydreamed in a clinging attempt to continue running away from reality, still i had to face being alive again. worry the same things, think the same things, feel the same things. im still procrastinating all those projects and work to do.

i dont know how many times ive been here

like existence, sleep is a interruption from existence that always seems to be unforgivingly stripped from you, being waking up.

like sleeping, existence is a interruption from the state of non existence, that being maybe before birth or after death, where sleeping is a brief taste of that non existence painted in the form as a biological process.

existence is only a interruption. a trivial period of unasked consciousness.

sleep is returning to that bliss of non existence. escaping this terrible interruption.

i dream of death so i sleep

death is escape from this interruption

———

when i revoke myself of sleep that i do very often, is that yet another act of intentional self sabotage?

stress sort of changes people

stress, like moods, changes how people react and behave.

and this applies to me.

its so strange. 

you get a glimpse of someone in a specific mood and base a first impression of all that person in just that moment. 

that could be me and i could be in a terrible mood.

i wouldnt like that.

and what if im in that terrible mood for months, years on end. howd that be?

what if im stressed for those months, years too.

unimaginable.

so is personality really just when your comfortable?

are you, you when your stressed? (uncomfortable)

in a way stress shows the real side of a person?

but i can also say that you can be yourself when you comfortable/ + not stressed.

but often when your comfortable, you can choose to change yourself.

but when your stressed/uncomfortable, wheres that you when your comfortable?  

or is it specific parts of you only present during those peaks of stress and discomfort?

so what if all your life is stress and discomfort?

wheres the 'real' you?

hidden inside and never able to develop?

moods..

validity of feelings

 i dont know what i feel is really valid

are those temporary peaks of emotions that make me react this way to certain things valid or not?

are those times when i feel something so strong and intense really valid?

is feeling something that FEELS strong and real and intense really valid considering my past self?

am i allowed to feel this because of the things i did / the person i was in the past?

i cant seem to validate any of them

daydreaming

i daydream when i dont feel satisfied with myself

i daydream when i dont like this world

i daydream when i want to escape reality

i daydream something i dont have that i deeply want

i daydream when i feel lonely

i daydream when im in a low wave again 

i daydream when i dont want to be alive

i daydream to feel some form of control. - that, i have realised

daydreaming won't change anything

daydreaming only pulls me down more

daydreaming will only make me feel more suicidal 

daydreaming is just another temporarily gratifying distraction

done have nothing

 have a big want

still get nothing done

 complete nothing

progress barely

procrastinate more

if i can achieve anything id rather not be here

its always there

 its there with every meal, its there everytime you shower, everytime you brush your teeth, everytime you wake up, everytime you go to bed, everytime you get on the bus, everytime you go to the toilet, everytime you type, everytime, always, there. 

sure, talking to friends and people you enjoy being around really does stop it, but it always returns afterwards or is there just in the background leeching away. 

every waking minute, every waking second.

every relief in any form is temporary. 

is whats always there temporary too?

... / ... 0804

for the recent few month or two, ive had my mind on leaving some few creations before i leave.

an album ( or just a compilation really) , a film, a poem, maybe a game, maybe a little manga.

then a note ofcourse i think

i am a creative and a creator, so, be it the last things i do before i leave would be something i hope is fairly satisfying.  

and the documentation of the last few weeks or something. I might do it on the day of Chou-Chou's birthdate. i wont be turning another year older quite yet that date as this is the year i plan.

but i very am aware of what if i just dont do it, if then, i will try my best living in this existence i guess until i die naturally, this plan is just what i hope will happen. 

i am taking in a right i have as a human, does it need to be justified? harm will come to my creaters but it was a event they i feel should be knowing of when they decided to enter me into this world.

ill just push through it some more before that date, or i could do it earlier if i want.

end >

i wont be able to feel worry anymore

i wont be able to feel stuck anymore

i wont be able to think of unaliving myself anymore

i wont be able to wish i weren't alive

i wont be able to feel pain anymore

i wont be able to see myself age and weaken

i wont be able to harm myself anymore

i wont be able to feel frustration

i wont be able to feel crying

i wont be able to feel hopeless

i wont be able to feel envious

i wont be able to loathe myself anymore

i wont be able to feel lonely

i wont be able to feel guilty

i wont be able to conflicted by the past anymore

i wont ever be able to feel this truly fucking suffocating, unforgiving, insufferable damn drowning ever again. 

feel, feel , feel

 feel

you will feel when you expect it

you will feel when you dont expect it

you will feel when you want to

you will feel when you dont want to

you will feel regardless

positive

negative

neutral

any on the spectrum

you will feel

it may hurt

it may delight

it may confuse

it may conflict

you will feel

feel

feel feel feel feel feel

physical attraction, love

 i need to say first that looks eventually fade with time

and when i refer to love i mean love to old age

do you have to be attracted to someone physically (and emotionally+romantically) in order to be truly in love?

is it the eventual strong romantic and emotional attraction that keeps the love alive even when age takes away good looks?

okay, for instance two young people are in love for the first month because only they were physically attracted to eachother.

then they got to know eachother and they really felt at level. 

now what would it be like if both werent physically attracted to eachother initially?

that relationship wouldnt be existing at all then?

a positive perception of someone you are initially purely physically attracted leads to eventual emotional and romanti attraction and then love/relationship

i guess it would be less fair to unnattractive people then

sidetracked, havent gone back to actual question

okay, then physical attraction IS needed.

if ill put it into my viewpoint. i will admit, i have lots of people i feel attracted to purely from how they look. its a shallow side of me which i dislike. 

maybe love isnt for everyone maybe..

 

society against leaving early in life

when i refer to leaving early in life i mean suicide.

its a universal fact that everyone eventually leaves.

now, is it that it reminds them of their own mortality?

of the pointlessness of their existence?

and not just suicide, people are upset and sad over a child or young person for instance who dies of a disease. 

empathy? sympathy?

the governement prevents suicides with services.

and isnt that just against leaving early in life?

why are people so against it.

against the right every human has of leaving something completely involuntary. 

0204 random

woa time is speeding

ujjfoafj

ive recently grown a view that our minds are a box your isolated in for all of your existence. it blocks you from getting into other boxes, which sure there are words and such but we are so intrinsictly and fundamentally isolated. 

this is particular in how you have no idea what things you perceive

you perceive, its only from you, you, confined to the limits of your box, just that

you might feel you are different from others but once actually interact with them you realise they think the same things as you, feel the same things as you, wonder the same things, desire the same things, like the same things. 

form a opinion, a judgement, believe it. but it can be shattered with just one interaction.