thought 250226 12am

 most people have experienced some degree of suicidal ideation in their lifetime. be it once or a few times. often a response from momentary high levels of stress.

generally its of no concern. now if i put it in my case. with how its something that swarms my mind almost daily, and has for a year at this point. is this now. well, of no concern? 

am i simply too limited with being a single mind who is unable to access others thoughts and perspectives and to see what its like to be them alongside my obvious lack of time and experience on this planet?

always feel upset at myself and disgusted when i get even a bit frustrated at someone or show any anger or irritation at all

especially when im in a unpleasant mood, i might get irritable and if i do let my irritation out on someone i feel incredibly guilty, shameful, disgusted and upset at myself. then that could make me more irritable and thus the loop 

its miserable.

i dislike feeling angry, i dislike feeling irritated, i dislike lashing my irritation on anyone. i really really dont. i dont like feeling these things. 

 

a good time with friends are ones where it doesent revolve around money

 something ive come to realise since i started to actually go out on dedicated hangout occasions with friends was how often we'd spent money

i generally dont like spending much money, and even more so if the whole hangout is a activity that requires lots of money.

so, ideally, something like exploring (be it public transit usually) with minimal money spending accompanied by costless talking and connecting with eachother makes a wonderful, memorable, great time. 

adventuring, exploring, travelling

now with food, you have to spend money, it can be fine i guess, though i dont want it to be the main part of the experience

i am aware that some experiences require very much money

i just want to say that spending time with friends without spending much money feel a lot better than ones that do

im so going to be embarrased to death reading things i put here when im older

im speaking to 25, 30, 35 year old me here

im genuinely. so sorry if they were painfully embarrasing to read. 

the peak of chaotic hormones manage to turn into words on a keyboard

 

there are things i want to experience but i will never

self comparison with others

 i often find myself looking at some people, who, just seem to have such interesting lives. such attractive bodies and appearances. such profound and cool thoughts, ideas, projects and creations. so creative, so focused, so interesting, so much better, so much ahead of me

now, im aware that i shouldnt compare myself with them. where its better that i compare myself to myself in the past. though, i can find myself doing it, and its much hard to resist.

i know its pointless. though , i just

i dont know

envy. hopelessness. frustration. self loathe

why? why do i keep feeling these things? 

i feel i should accept that i can never feel satisfed with myself. (what i create, what i pursue, what i experience, who i am, etc)  

200226 random

whatever strong feelings i feel

whatever strong thoughts i think

whatever desires i desire

someone else has likely felt it just the same as i feel it

all that i think, feel and desire arent unique.

im not unique

not special

not extraodinary

not profound

first when theres the realisation of that it made me feel upset and sad

then i realised that that means that people like me exist,

people who want to befriend people who understand the things they feel, think and desire

difficult, not likely to meet, though the fact that they do exist and arent incredibly uncommon is comforting.

i wish to meet them. i wish to connect with them.

difficulty with expression of self and identity through appearnace and clothing

 im currently at a age where i am conscious of and am interested in clothing and appearance as a form to express your [desired] sense of identity through it.

now, im too afraid to.

because A) im too afraid of being perceived (be it anyway and most specifically negatively) by my family, the public and people that know me and even my friends B) i dont feel like it feels right as i never cared about appearance and clothing only a few years ago C) i feel like the person i was (the things i said, did, my personality, my identity then and etc) in the past doesent validate and make it feel right that i do dress in ways i want to. especially those masks which doesent feel like they suit the current identity of me currently and then ofcrouse that effects how id dress as fashion, appearance and whatnot i feel coexist sort of with my identity.

those mainly, though now i want to explain more

im afraid of being judged and perceived in general by my relatives. 

then there are probably people from the past who i know, like dormant friendships from school, etc, which the thing most important, they knew how i dressed and acted and have done and said from the past. that, exactly, is the issue

it bothers me a lot.

im very bothered by the past. past me. past things ive said. past things ive done. past identity. past personality. 

i cant feel like i can validate that i deserve to express myself through my appearance.

and im hideous which makes it worse too.

i dont feel like my current appearance represents me (or atleast a version of me that i desire) whatsoever, with, as mentioned, my features and body worsen it.

i feel stuck, trapped and hopeless

disgusting 190226

 i am disgusting. im disgusting. I AM disgusting. im disgusting. im disgusting. 

yesterday, such pleasure wasnt it?

digusting me too much

filthy

it stays for you forever

30 years old, 50 years old, 70 years old, 90 years old

filthy, dirty pleasure

remember 

you did that, for rest of life, same body, you did with

same body

same body

same body

dirty body

so so so soo dirty

live with it

you will, no

must

i think ctb wouldnt seem to bad too

you will never find anyone

tainted, filthy

you want to dirty her with that same body?

no woman deserves that

disgusting body

you 

you 

you

disgusting

know that

know. that.

noone would sink their love into you with that same body,

why do you ignore? paint over with more and more

avoid it and distract

'ooh i didnt do that'

'no, no, that wasnt me who did that'

no,

you know

you know

it felt good didnt it, 

might aswell just go 

fucking drown youself in it 

you disgusting fucking pervert 

fucking filthy fuck

unwanted being

 the fact im being

that i exist

guarantees a physical body

a human body

human bodies are physically filthy

i am in one, i am one, much to my disgust

i dont want to be in one.

i want to get out of it

its filthy, disgusting, vile.

eat, defecate, urinate, sweat, bleed, vomit, ejaculate.

i find my insides disgusting. and ofcourse the only way to divert this truth, deny it and avoid it

i find my features disgusting. i find my skin disgusting. i find my flesh, meat, bone and organs all putrid disgusting.

this eventually to rot, smell, decay and wither and cease from being, this body.

pointless, trivial, never i wanted.

i dont want need to defecate. i dont want need to urinate, i dont want to have a body

i dont want to need to eat. i dont want to need to maintain. i dont want to have a body,

more importantly, living, i want it most deeply not

i want to leave as soon as possible

but leaving this body just takes so much.

my nose i hate, my eyes i hate, my eyebrows i hate, my lips i hate, my hair i hate, my face i hate, i head i hate, my hands i hate, my arms i hate, my shoulders i hate, my neck i hate, my chest i hate, my abdomen i hate, my feet i hate, my legs i hate, my hips i hate, my bottom i hate, my waist i hate, my back i hate, my bodyhair i hate, all my features i hate, my body i hate, my existence i hate.

time goes too fast for me to process it

another day passes and then another and i cant just wake up. i feel the thoughts, the wants, the realizations but they dont come. i just fall into this spaciness and cant get out. 

it feels worse when i have free time 

everythings going to fast, too fast 

plenty of time, a lot of interests, not enough attention

plenty of time, also very limited, with most of it wasted 

thousand have felt everything you have, are and will feel

just know, there are real people just like you who could be feeling what you exactly feel at the same time or recently even, that exist. 

your most deepest, most profound, personal feelings have been felt and understood

there are so so so many people in this world. so many conscious minds thinking so many similar thoughts and feelings so many similar feelings. 

and you can even meet them. connect with them. befriend them.  fall in love with them.