difficulty with expression of self and identity through appearnace and clothing

 im currently at a age where i am conscious of and am interested in clothing and appearance as a form to express your [desired] sense of identity through it.

now, im too afraid to.

because A) im too afraid of being perceived (be it anyway and most specifically negatively) by my family, the public and people that know me and even my friends B) i dont feel like it feels right as i never cared about appearance and clothing only a few years ago C) i feel like the person i was (the things i said, did, my personality, my identity then and etc) in the past doesent validate and make it feel right that i do dress in ways i want to. especially those masks which doesent feel like they suit the current identity of me currently and then ofcrouse that effects how id dress as fashion, appearance and whatnot i feel coexist sort of with my identity.

those mainly, though now i want to explain more

im afraid of being judged and perceived in general by my relatives. 

then there are probably people from the past who i know, like dormant friendships from school, etc, which the thing most important, they knew how i dressed and acted and have done and said from the past. that, exactly, is the issue

it bothers me a lot.

im very bothered by the past. past me. past things ive said. past things ive done. past identity. past personality. 

i cant feel like i can validate that i deserve to express myself through my appearance.

and im hideous which makes it worse too.

i dont feel like my current appearance represents me (or atleast a version of me that i desire) whatsoever, with, as mentioned, my features and body worsen it.

i feel stuck, trapped and hopeless