i want.

 I want to feel 

a specific something

a feeling

its subliminal, beautiful ,passionate. 

I want to create something that will make me feel that

I want to experience something that will make me feel that

I want to live 

a life I like

If suicide is so hard then why not make my life something that id maybe like

But I can’t even get close to doing that

I want to make connections

Make experiences with friends 

that I am so deeply close with

I want to experience lots of things

Still in my limited youth,

I crave a strong, passionate, intense something

Can i ever even feel satisfied with any time spent?

I dont know. 

I dont know.

Im lost.

And im trying to maintain living in this world before I can even sober up and really get a grasp of what I want to even do

Just what

I don’t get it

Maybe im not supposed to get it

I don’t know

I want.

290126 ranadom

 knowing that there is certainly someone just like me in this world, and that i loathe myself, would i loathe them? no.. so what justifies my self loathe?

Ò¥¥ø¨◊¨˚C笆¨TT√ˆ∆ÁÇ∆V˚C cUKÁJ

 my life sort of feels like a blur of regular mundane with brief sparks of happiness between it

pain is temporary

 pain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporarypain is temporary

feeling low always ends

 feeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always endsfeeling low always ends

you arent always happy in life

you arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in lifeyou arent always happy in life

consumer

im just another boring consumer.

too indecisive and overwhelmed to be able to create even if the want to boils deeply

so it consumes instead

making fake promises that itll create

but it knows it wont

stuck, consuming, escaping, more and more stress and self loathe build

how pathetic

 

even consuming, i have chances to connect and do

yet i consume, watch, read, listen and never choose to interact

220126∂øœ¨˙∂œ∑

 everyday i feel awful waking up. 

one of the reasons is my terrible lifestyle. 

this isnt how id like to spend my summer break of my only time being of this grade of high school. 

i think ill feel really annoyed at myself in the future for spending it like this. 

less than two weeks now

im worried, worried a lot.

i cant stop

i just try to distract myself and escape this and do the same for all the rest of my problems 

160126 random thoughtt

i dont like this world so i like to distract myself and escape from it through mainly media and fiction. i drown myself into a fictional world [much like daydreaming], give all my attention into the thing im aborsbing myself in, to the point that i forget i am a physical form. i dont know if this is healthy or good at all but im just not satisfied with my life, no, myself really. so i either escape into fiction where i can be absorbed in the characters or i distract myself so much i dont feel that i exist anymore so theres no me anymore. im thinking of how i read manga as one of the main things i use to run away. same with narratives in films and animes, television shows, novels. music is lovely too. i love music. listening to music while i let myself be consumed by some form of fictional media is the sweet spot of escapism.

and this brings me to sleeping too, which seems like a great way to escape everything since your literally conscious but with some thought, sleep feels so brief. i know im unconscious but time is warped to feel much faster so it doesent feel quite as good as it seems. sleep is still great though. feeling sleepy is nice. get on the bed and sink into sleep.

i thought about this some few days ago and i want to write it out here

estimating my potential partners

 revisiting a thought

14 & 15 yr olds globally is - about 300 000 000 based on ourworldindata.org .

rough estimate i guess.

half half male female. so 150 000 000 ish

there are a lot of circumstances though.

time matters. proximity / opportunities to meet potential matters. but with the technology now outcomes change.

sydney is relatively big, as of now its about 5 300 000 

https://www.abs.gov.au/census/find-census-data/quickstats/2021/1GSYD

10-14 years	321,768

this is from 2021

so this age group is 15-19 now. though, i cant create a estimate though.

14 is about the same

300 000 / 5 years, 60,000

14 and 15 year olds.

120 000 total

then, 60 000 female

it might not be much of something i should rely on but i am curious. 

compatability. my mind is going for ENFJ,INFP,INFJ,ENFP

daydreaming

i forget i have a real life once i daydream. im completely absorbed by it. fascinating, really

im not alive im not awake

time keeps blurring past me. im not awake. get me out. i keep drowning myself in my mindles routine. get me out. i wake up, dissociate, survive, get overwhelmed by my mind, repeat yesterday and go to sleep. i always get anxious once i realize its night again and im laying in bed staring at my ceiling. i want to get out. i cant. 

stuck in this lifestyle

 im stuck in this lifestyle yet again, for a month too. what a misuse of this massive school break, 3 weeks left. 

i have a terrible lifestyle. it makes me feel terrible. its already pretty self destructive and being aware of how awful and self destructive it is, it provokes me to indulge in more self destructiveness. horrible. no wonder i never like waking up. its me! i can change this and i dont as its too much effort! no change! full capability! no action! how insufferable are you me? 

completely immersed in fiction

my body doesent feel like it exists anymore once i absorb myself in fiction. i kind of forget i have a physical form. the story is all that is occupying my attention, as if i am in story. whether it be manga, a book, show, you name it. i guess it could. be a way i try to escape from how unsatisfied i am with my life and myself that i try to run away into fantasy and follow some fictional peoples lives. sort of what i do often which is when i run away into my imagination, -daydreaming

another result of random firing of neurons in my brain that i want to type onto here

 i think for a fulfilling social network i'd really like maybe 3-2 close friends and then a romantic partner. 

i'd prefer that my romantic partner is someone i have more proximity in my regular day to day life similar to my close friends. though, circumstance can alter this a lot.

close friends, romantic partner. 

hmmm. id probably will be in a way forced to have connections to others purely due to proximity right? coworkers would fit into that. or maybe im in university, i might get a few very casual friends. and id definetly join clubs there. then about how i befriend my closest friends if they have close proximity to me, wouldnt that be in a work or school environemnt? how did i meet my social connections? online? this sure is messy.

well, i suppose im too idealistic. 

manga replacing social life..

ive barely had any social interactions with friends or anything lately. and ive been reading, as usual, a decent amount of manga depicting adolescents and them living their lives. so what ive observed is that i feel sort of socially filled when i read the characters interacting with eachother.  

also reading mangas surrounding the idea of people living their lives makes me feel behind. 

but i like reading them tho..

connection, so apart

i know theres people like me.

who want deep connections.

with likeminded individuals.

but various circumstance distance us.

many i can never even meet, or even be able to communicate with.

so i go out to the world then right?

well, thats really difficult for me.

i know im not alone.

i know people understand and feel the same as me.

but how connect with them if i never even meet them.

i want a outlet of these thoughts, these feelings. 

i want to form a bond with someone.

i want to feel connected.

i want to meet and connect with them.

i want to meet and connect with one of those somebodies.

just one.

one, just one, i can spend more time and energy and attention on and so do they.

i want it. 

could all of this be my fault?

 

temporary, all is

be it pleasure or pain.

its temporary.

start and end govern all.

its hard to accept that ill leave so abruptly as i entered.

maybe, just maybe i can just decide when and how i want to leave.

what value have i anyways.

soon forgotten i will be after i leave.

just what a strange world this is.

always

it never goes away. 

i can feel whatever else, but its always there.

maybe just in the background.

but.

always.

persistent.

thats why i try to distract, escape.

always.

chronic. 

avoid

avoid things i want to do

avoid things i need to do

avoid things i could do

avoid things i should do

avoid

avoid 

avoid

one of the worst things you could ever do. 

and that i do the most.

self sabotage. 

too much free time

i could be using this time so much better. 

this feels awful

 

020126 random

i wish there could never be a tomorrow.

i hope when this day ends, its all over for me. 

no consciousness is what i want. 

loneliness.

i crave deep connections. strong, meaningful ones. romantic, platonic. relationships. friendships. i want them.

but, meaningful connections can lead to possibly getting hurt.

you bury yourself so deep into this person that you might not realise that theres a risk that if something happens in that connection, it will hurt, and it could hurt so so terribly. 

so dont make any deep connections to avoid that then, but you'll eventually get horribly lonely. 

is it really that difficult to fill that painful hole in your chest?

our lives are just limited. limited time. limited energy. limited attention. so how do you find enough of these things to deal with the annoying pain of loneliness? your social opportunites are too, so limtied. proximity is just so crucial. school setting for instance, where you have the chance to see the same people multiple times of the week for several waking hours which you can maybe befriend and have plenty of time to bond a connection with. but what if theres nobody thats similar to you and who'd be really compatible with you? you want to be someones favourite person and you want a favourite person. you want someone to talk to when you need to. you want someone that you can rely on. you want someone that you can bond over interests over. you want someone you can feel connected to. you want someone you can share things you want to get out. you want someone who you feel you can be safe with and trust dearly. you want a social connection where both parties see eachother as important and personally valued parts of their lives. 

it hurts. and if i have to emphasize it more, i will. it hurts.

what a dilemma. what a pain.