too afraid, then, better dead

im too afraid to express myself externally when i want to. examplar, appearance. i want to change and style my appearance to how id like to, experiment. but im too afraid of being perceived by others like if im going to school, or am around my parents. people notice. people perceive. i dont like that, and i dont like how i dont like that because its stopping me from what i want. 

i doubt this will change. if there anything i want to change. i wont take actions to do so. 

now, then, i dont want to live my whole life or a large portion of it, just being too afraid, so, if i die as soon as possible, that'd be best to relieve myself of any further future suffering.  

used tissues

 The used tissues;

The tissues stained with blood from self harm as a reaction to your self hatred and deeply unpleasant feelings.

The tissues stained with semen from masturbating to fill in your romantic and emotional loneliness

The tissues stained with snot and tears from crying from all the lowness, emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, self hatred and entrapment. 

light my death with a full moon

every passing day im falling more and more behind.

how beautiful would it sound to have my death be lit by the luminescence of a full moon 

more desire, more emptiness? desire, cause of emptiness?

only wondering here. not a conclusion or evaluation.

if i desire something, i feel empty, and more i desire, the more empty i will feel. if its not satisfied, whether the individual attempts to or not or does attain ownership of that desire, and it still doesent gratify and fulfill, then could desire, longing, to better word it, be the issue? is not desiring what ends that emptiness? 

ofcourse, i feel there are gaps in this questioning thought. and there are many more other factors against this.   

a bit of thought about my inevitable ageing

 i will eventually reach 30, and 35 and 40 and 45 and 50 and 65 and 70 and 75 and 80 and maybe 85 and maybe 90 and maybe 95

i dont want to exit my adolescence. i dont want to exit my youth. i dont want to exit my adult youth.

i dont want to stop being young. and i think when i proceed into my 30th birthday and into my 30s.

that will really be when i wont feel young anymore.

i will be old one day. its most likely. my chances of dying before 40, which id prefer, naturally is very unlikely. i dont like being faced by that. i acknowledge it. evem my father has told me about this inevitability in the past and have long already been aware of it.

so what should i do that will make me want to live to those ages then?

i know everyone needs to accept and enter adulthood. i do sort of look forward to it. since its a new volume, a new act, new chapter, new stage, new level, next step to my life. new change, new novelty, new experiences, so something to atleast look forward to. i want to look forward to living my life. living my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s. but i know i dont want to stop being young. but i need to accept it. i need to give me something that makes me want to live it.

so. maybe, ill give myself a drive to continue living, indeed there will be periods of time of being lost and purposeless, where i dont want to be alive, where i dont look forward to tommorow and the arriving weeks and months, and its okay, these times are always temporary and a part of life, even if they do weight heavy and hurt sharply. be it just experiencing the moments and experiences. be it following my passions. be it pouring my spirit and heart into my creations that current me will eventually get to experience it and the feelings it gives me. i will create in my teens, i will create in my 20s, i will create in my 50s, i will create in my 70s. i will create. 

then, be it romantic love. this, i believe, will really give me a drive. i just dont look forward to either party dying and leaving the other alive for however long. but then, double suicide, that, is a nice prospect actually. i feel love, despite its times of difficulty which are normal, would be a driver for living til old age. even when were overripe. even when that physical attraction fades. its those memories through decades and decades with eachother, that connection, that permanent infusement and bond of both, those shared feelings for eachother is what gives both a reason to live through even the undesirable times of elderly age. well this is only really possible if both parties are mentally healthy people, likeminded and compatible enough with eachother that can give this outcome ofcourse. reality isnt always nice, isnt always what one wants, some just dont have that person, that connection to better put it to be with and give eachother a want to continue living as old people.

i do expect these drivers to change with age. i cant see the future so ill just continue living to get to it.

still, current me finds it hard to digest that i wont be young forever. which adjacently relating, also is a great fuel my plan on suicide. which ive covered a lot in my writings and posts and want to go more deeper on later. 

so i just want things to make me look forward to continue living after being young and like not want to off myself to not endure it. 

which, ive found now, that i want to make being a creator. create creations and projects and artworks that reflect my emotions and thoughts and experiences and reflections. create films, create touching narratives. create moving characters. experiment, discover. feel. feel. feel. feel alive from it. 

then with love. its having a person you'll be with for your whole life. someone you can feel such beautiful and deep feelings to. someone that you can always have to confide into and be confided into by them too. someone that loves you just the same as you do. someone that fills in the loneliness. the idea of a love from youth to natural death at old age. 

low.

i feel at a low.

another one.

just this ones lower than, previous ones. 

im feeling really close to not being alive soon.

,,mm..

feeling not well. this consistent daily feelings for the past, i dont know, month or weeks

im keeping it in when im in public, outside, in school, with friends. which, is, good i think, being outside and around people, and people i can enjoy company and interacting with does atleast not make me sink too deep.

i need someone to spill out and feel deeply connected with.

lonely, cant not mention this annoying pain. 

fill in that biggest gap in me. small gaps hurt too. 

my life is very, aimless now.

im feeling more behind day by day.

this suffocating and drowning feeling inflates and simmers down and inflates again. 

i want to feel like im breathing. feel alive.

would a romantic partner offer that? i want to feel touching, moving, emotional moments. feel feelings i want to feel. feel a profound feeling of connection.

am i too afraid to initiate these experiences?

i feel so.

its frustrating. it makes me feel stuck.

im already feeling stuck enough.

untitled

 Look at that.

It’s my youth slowly stepping away from me each passing day.

I hate you so much. We all do. We hate each other

Fuck

Fuck fuck f

Fuck fuck

他妈的

他妈的

他妈的

Fuck.

Im in this sinking void, did I create it? Im falling and falling deeper and deeper either way. 

Im lost.

Im drifting aimlessly every single day.

Not living like it’s my last.

Faintly awaiting my planned date when I’ll leave.

What am I doing? Surviving daily.

So aimless.

I feel so hopeless.

My life won’t change.

My life won’t get better.

My life won’t get any eventful, interesting or moving.

I won’t live a life I will want.

I will never be desirable nor fall and be in love.

These feelings won’t ever go away.

I dont like who I am.

I dont want to be alive.

I dont want to wake up to mornings feeling that awful feeling.

I dont plan to be here for much longer.

I’ll relieve myself from all of this.

And finally be able to lift myself out this hole im stuck in.

Clear that emptiness. Clear the lowness.

Finally leave this place that fits me not well.

Finally press the exit button from this involuntary game im playing.

Another aimless youth.

Wandering metropolitan areas after school finishes.

Distract with eating unhealthy instant gratifying foods.

Distract with self harming yourself.

Distract with listening to excessive amounts of music.

Distract with daydreaming daily about an imaginary romantic relationship.

Distract with screens and mindless media consumption.

Distract with procrastination.

Distract.

Escape.

Avoid.

Deny.

Look away from.

Shut your eyes.

Plug your ears.

Dont face it.

Distance yourself away from it.

Just no confrontation.

No action.

No doing.

You are at fault.

You are. You you you you you you you you you you you.

就是你他妈的。

你。

Why arent you dead yet?

no world for soft people

too soft.

too easy to break, puncture, misshapen.

too sensitive.

too fragile.

too weak.

theres no world for people like this.

why even have two parties come together to create 

someone thats just too soft?

stop playing this big video game

wake up, oh there it is again, forced to play the game again. sleep, but just a break from it. tiring it is. nothing but a video game you never consented to play. and its mostly painful. wouldnt pressing the exit button be a good escape from it? just like a video game. esc button, exit button, command Q. are you sure you want to exit? the doubt asks you. exiting isnt as easy as it seems. you might have faulty exits. you have the right to exit the game early dont you? its a relief.

2405 random

death comes to all eventually.

face death, we flinch and avoid

compensate, bargain, deny.

deny our own inevitability. 

show sadness as death of others. then to try forget them to stop feeling the pain of it.

it matters not much when there is death really.

everyone dies.

its a relief from this unasked state remember.

doesent matter that anyone dies.

doesent matter if anyone were born or not.

whyd it matter for a early death?

whyd it matter to take death in your iwn hands?

not your business.

just the actors execution of a freedom.

unique to you is what matters

 anything you feel.

anythign you think.

isnt really special or different or unique or spectacular.

but what is, is your experience of it.

burying it down away

i keep it inside, lock it in, bury it inside, try to, everyday.

find distractions, shut it up, try to imagine wiping down a whiteboard to get it to go away.

most times, i go through my day, keeping it alright and okay to my best efforts, its atleast kept fairly inside, but it, does spill out occasionally, and sometimes, for periods of a specific time, are a lot of it spilling out happens when im not in a particularly great place in my mind. 

i dont know if its healthy.

im just, trying to keep it in, ignore it, invalidate it, and using not so good methods to deal with it.

not fixing the issue, just distracting myself from it.

ive been feeling it swell with rage these recent few weeks, so the effort to keep it in its taking more effort, and am having more of it coming out at times.

previous months it'd have its highs, have its pleasant lows, leave,  return, leave return.

i dont know what to do.

i try to engage in outlets for it.

it, i guess it would be just a big group of feelings.

but it, just, lends me only a little temporary ease and clearing up, to just return, maybe stronger.

so what do i do?

seek connection?

ive been trying, i think, no, i havent been trying well enough, im not even actually acting on it.

see a professional. procrastinating that probably from fear.

it grows larger and larger, widening and widening, a gash that spreads and spreads, a leak in the ceiling that spreads more and more. a problem that spreads more and more.

it makes me feel more stuck, more trapped, more lost, more overwhelmed, more hopeless, more anxious, more suicidal, more frustrated, more low.

random thought

many people want to be different by being more self aware than everyone else.

there are plenty of people just as self aware as them. they believe what they think is different. 

but plenty think the exact same things as them.

they want to feel different because of their survival instinct to feel more valuable and important from feeling special and different from others.

despite that, that person might feel lonely, and being different from otheres makes you lonely.

even though they very well are just the same as so many are.

they think they're more self aware, more intelligent than others to feel different to feel important, that everyone else are mindless surviving living blobs, when, in reality, they're are people who are just as the latters perceived 'self aware, intelligent and different' than others.

- - - - -- --- / - - - -- - - - -

im terrible at school

im never concentrated

i never finish anything

i never achieve anything

i never make any progress in anything

i give up too easily

im never organised

i never 

im too sensitive

im weak

im worthless

im never able to initiate

im too moody

im too slow

im too behind

i cant even finish any of my creative projects

i cant even finish anything i create

i cant even finish consuming something im interested in

im shallow

im lazy

im undisciplined 

im untalented

im good at nothing

still alive still alive

 last year, i wanted it living to stop.

i expected. but ofcourse im still here because i didnt even know what id use

so

here i am

im still here

its rotting

its just gotten much worse

and im like burying it even heavier and deepr now. 

i feel even more behind

more lost

more hopeless

more low

more unfulfilled 

more self loatheful

more empty

more suffocation

about essays and exams and school

system and system. deadline and deadline.

so society can mould you into what it wants you to be like.

think this way. react this way.

learn and know just these things.

be strucutred, be organised, be conformist, follow and comply and go with.

dont do well in our system? 

you get bad grades.

do?

you get good grades.

strucutured, organised and concentrated?

you do well in school and society.

not?

dont.

struggle? too bad!

follow this essay structure so you can think and learn in this way.

fail at it?

too bad, bad grades.

do good?

great! youll do well with most of the similar structures we put at you!

your a gear! your a sheep! 

we wont tell you directly!

this carnal, flesh prison. accept or escape it?

accept by living with it til natural death.

escape it by immediate act of suicide.

so then what?

this prison.

demanded by sex drive, the need to eat and drink, confined to the walls of a flesh, organic room. biologically evolved to maintain survival.  hunger to drive survival. lust to drive procreation. desires, pleasures.

carnal. 

bodily.

filthy.

unclean.

impure. 

i dont know. should i accept this flesh?

or do i escape to finally fulfill this want to stop being in said flesh?

existence requires a flesh body.

if i want it not then i need to exist not.

the absence of existence

is purity.

true cleanliness. 

too unique, not unique enough

if your unique, its lonely when your someone who wants to connect with likeminded people and have it as a valuable aspect of your life.

if your not unique and dont care about uniqueness or dont really understand it, good.

if your not unique and care about uniqueness, its a little conflict, like you want to feel special and different but your just like everyone else and can connect easily with them.

if your unique, but just not unique enough, theres could be a handfew of people who are the best compatibility possible in the world and you manage to meet them, and it makes it feel more stronger and special, very good.

its just having the chance to meet them being the main thing.

there are maybe a few thousand or hundred of maybe just a handfull of the people that are compatible with you but youll never meet because of the odds. 

if your routines and motions of life dont converge with meeting and interacting other people, there could be a chance you never meet any likeminded people even if there is there that exist plenty of, there is only just be under a thousand, a few hundred, maybe even just only a dozen of people you get to interact with or even just see in example persons life. it depends/varies across people ofcourse.

so considering that you want someone your age, theres tens and millions of people, which is far more than plenty to fill in the demand of meeting someone thats likeminded to you that could be a close friend or potentionally a romantic partner, but its just the limitations of proximity that bounds us, the limited amount of people you get to interact with when at work or school or transport.

now bringing the internet into discussion, it allows ways to meet YOUR people much easier due to an access to a lot more people, but makes what makes meeting those people hard in different ways compared to real life. your exposed to possibly hundreds of thousands, millions of people, with algorithms maybe or methods you discover to twindle your process to quickly meeting the people like you that you want to meet and then do so. 

but then, ofcourse, friends you make that have a better proximity with allows for better experiences, which online friends dont give aslong as the connection is ONLY online due to distance or other circumstances. 

online social connections work differently due to it literally being on screens, on computers, on completely different ways of communicating and whatnot. 

you can enjoy communicating with a irl friend which makes that connection even better due to being able to enjoy both the online convenience and experience and the real life part. 

online ones, just dont fill in that gap properly. but ofcourse it varies across people.

living with your partner enables this close proximity which allows enhanced bonding between both.

undesirable

i dont feel desirable.

i dont feel i have the qualities to be with romantic partner.

but i want that empty feeling to go away

am i doing myself no good by desiring romantic relationship as it will just fuel the unpleasant feelings and get me nowhere as im nowhere at the state for one and dont deserve one. 

the more you obsess with want for it, the more harm you are doing to yourself.

even so, does that change the undesirable i feel? 

lifelong romantically alone

no of 'that' person who is one of the centres of your life. your their supporter and their you supporter. that person to confide into. that person that gets you. that healer. that just as flawed as you are, coming together, merging, regardless. 

i dont know

creation, be my purpose

i put my heart, my self, my feelings, my thoughts, my experiences into my creations.

music. films. media. creativity. art. 

my lowest moments, i may put into art forms, share it, have others, discover what ive felt and gonet through and connect with it. be it decades past my death, or minutes after i release it into the world.

the beauty and moving feelings of creating. 

aid me to push past my want of death. 

push me forward after my darkest lows. push me past the toughest hardships to come. push me past those most charred burning blistering pains and difficulties. 

philosophy, psychology, stories, feelings, concepts, themes, meanings, experiences, perspectives.