burying it down away

i keep it inside, lock it in, bury it inside, try to, everyday.

find distractions, shut it up, try to imagine wiping down a whiteboard to get it to go away.

most times, i go through my day, keeping it alright and okay to my best efforts, its atleast kept fairly inside, but it, does spill out occasionally, and sometimes, for periods of a specific time, are a lot of it spilling out happens when im not in a particularly great place in my mind. 

i dont know if its healthy.

im just, trying to keep it in, ignore it, invalidate it, and using not so good methods to deal with it.

not fixing the issue, just distracting myself from it.

ive been feeling it swell with rage these recent few weeks, so the effort to keep it in its taking more effort, and am having more of it coming out at times.

previous months it'd have its highs, have its pleasant lows, leave,  return, leave return.

i dont know what to do.

i try to engage in outlets for it.

it, i guess it would be just a big group of feelings.

but it, just, lends me only a little temporary ease and clearing up, to just return, maybe stronger.

so what do i do?

seek connection?

ive been trying, i think, no, i havent been trying well enough, im not even actually acting on it.

see a professional. procrastinating that probably from fear.

it grows larger and larger, widening and widening, a gash that spreads and spreads, a leak in the ceiling that spreads more and more. a problem that spreads more and more.

it makes me feel more stuck, more trapped, more lost, more overwhelmed, more hopeless, more anxious, more suicidal, more frustrated, more low.