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imagining myself after 20, or 30, or 40 or just being old really is difficult. 

as well as its a reality i dont quite want. ill put it straight, i didnt want to be born. and i dont want to continue being alive. im afraid of aging. i never consented to be alive. i was forced here. 

then i have to continue with all this pain from living that i never wanted. its absurd. and suicide is already so hard and agonising. most not if all the methods will involve pain and likely unbearable suffering. well, physically. also all attempts are not guaranteed and may make you brain dead or something or disabled and inable to attempt gain and just in terrible pain for the rest of your life. 

its that lovely. first forced into existence. then expected to live for decades. then its really painful, risky and difficult to end your life. 

oo i have a wish great entity that watches over me, cease my existence, i beg you!

desires

they give pain and pleasure.

but i see them as a burden. first born without permission. then if possible is miserable difficulty to end being alive.

trapped in this flesh. flesh i find filthy. flesh i never wanted. flesh i dont want to be in. flesh that gives so many problems. flesh that will eventually rot and decay with pain.

controlled by desires. controlled by needs. 

desires so trivial. desires so disgusting. desires so, i dont know how to describe. 

lust. hunger. thirst. hygiene. sleep. moods. violence. hate. greed. 

they all bother me. they all govern me. my whole life they have, only recently ive started to notice. 

desires, pleasure.

lust. hunger.

desire for pleasure. desire for pleasure. 

sensual, physical touch for pleasure. consumption for pleasure

both pleasures.

sex to create offspring, so the offspring can do the same.

eat to survive, survive so to make offspring so the offspring can do the same. 

the goal is to survive. so it wont end.

i dont know how to feel about it. 

was i seriously just put here as a result of that?

why? i never wanted to. i never wanted life. then to be with this desires. this body. this mind. the torment. i dont understand. 

are all our values and activites and interests and everything about what we think are important to us linked to survival and procreation? 

is survival just to procreate really the whole point?

its so absurd. i dont get it. 

something thats been bothering me for a long time

 im aware that novelty and change create more memories and make time feel slower. 

the problem i have is that im too afraid to jump out of my familiar spaces, routines and lifestyle so time goes much faster and i make no distinct or memorable memories. 

and that novelty and change, whether it be negative or positive, nonetheless enables growth and development. so if i keep myself in my room behind my screens for the rest of my adolescence. its just a waste of time, opportunites and endless possibilites. 

thats whats exactly bothers me a lot. 

then self comparison to others adds salt to the wound.

i honestly can change my situation. i can solve this problem. I CAN. yet i dont.

instead of doing i postpone and procrastinate. 

friends and social connections can be important

i often fall into self harmful behaviours, habits and a general lifestyle for extended periods of time of social withdraw. sometimes its when im in a low mood it consumes me and i spiral downwards and feel guilt everytime i attempt to get out of the ditch. so i keep feeling worse and worse. i shut myself into this bubble of hopelessness and terrible feelings which obviously is self sabotage yet i still do so. 

but, what keeps me from drowning is when i interact with friends. which usually why monday is what brings me out of the ditch that i fall into every school weekend as i see and am able to be with friends and people i enjoy and feel happy around. 

last summer break i dont think i ever went out with a friend except from going out somewhere but i cant remember it too well. all that i recall much of it is that it wasnt great. i wasted the whole break. i felt terrible. i had barely any social interactions. it was, i dont know how to type it out, but it was not pleasant. 

so if i go out, i am with friends, it helps with not making whats bad as worse as it could be.

especially at a age i am now, your social network, your social connections/friendships are quite crucial to your development as a person and how you understand, interact and create your place in the world. 

 i dont to people as much as some others do. but people offer all sorts of experiences and growth to me. and so i think i should have people in my life. i cant depend on people to fix some of my personal problems, but they can very much aid with many. 

i want to feel a deep, strong bond with someone. 

end of year anxiety

 i have a feeling that i should really do a end of year project compilation of videos or a reflection of the year.

i really have no idea what, i dont know. and its really bothering me,

humans

 our deepest desires and pursuits have primitive roots

yet another random

wont get any new ideas or perspectives or potential progress if i only think with myself. other people offer as said, they offer things ive never thought of [new ideas] which can lead to more thoughts and greater thoughts. 

im one of hundreds of millions capable of thinking to various depths and ways. 

the more people i meet and connect with, theres a high likelyhood i gain knowledge and curiousity of topics and ideas.

231225 random

when i see people younger than me, in public for instance, i always say 'welcome to the sensory experience' to them in my mind. 

its weird.

this brings my mind to time, youth and age. 

things are normalised by people older than us, our significant others we spend the most time with, which effect the way we perceive and conceptualise the world. our senses. what we see, what we hear, what we feel.

what would i be if i had none of my sensory experiences? 

what if i never knew language?

would i be able to experience any of these thoughts i have if i didnt know how to write or speak it out?

i find how my conscious, my mind, me, is all governed by these senses. 

time governs how long i can think about these things to come to new ephiphanies and thoughts which i currently havent thought of yet.

strong, but is it much concern?

 it could be all temporary and it resolves once i leave adolescence. 

i dont know. g

socialising guilt

 i feel guilty for socialising. especially when im with a friend that i like being with and enjoy interacting with them. 

i feel that im infecting them with my negative emotions and also especially if i werent in a great mood before (x) social interaction.

i dont know.

it makes me feel guilty. it makes me feel shamed. it makes me feel conflicted.

thought

some people are a lot likely to indulge in attention seeking and antisocial behaviour if they are in a familiar and comfortable environment. 

body

 my body doesent represent me. flesh that isnt pleasant to look at nor does it tell much of who i am. 

yet its the only thing people can perceive with, this external flesh suit. 

my face. what i wear. my body. my features.

it doesent represent me. none of it. and i dont like how it looks. i deeply dont. it all doesent match me at all.

sure, attires can help with it ig.

i just find that this shallow external layer of me is part of me. i want to seperate from it. its just me. but, how can you keep all the insides when you dont have a case to keep it all apart. and if so, the problem still boils, i and others can only judge and perceive from the outside layer of us.

 

ether

i always find comfort in Lily's music. the ether. to heal. what hurts, hurts less when i do. i can disconnect. escape. me is no longer. im ingrained with the ether, connected. i heal, that is precisely what i want. be it days or months. its always present. always open armed for safety and safehaven. deep how it hurts, and so isolated moments i can be, the ether is there. fills in the empty gaps of existence with seratonin and connection. peaceful. eternal. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

spacehey blocked

dammit. australia curse you 

i live my life viewing from a camera

rise to sleep. day to night. task to task. routine to routine. all of it, feels as though im always viewing from a camera. watching a screen. no, full immersive reality of sorts, i often finding my vision quite odd, with my poor eyesight deepening that phenomena. i see things, colours, light, shades, everything. yet its so bizarre. it feels real. it is real. whilst, it also doesent feel real at the same time. a little me unable to actually control the external me in the material world. i cant, how do i put it, wake, up. theres a tiny me in there, that tiny me is me. but i cant seem to wake up. im phasing and auto piloting through time, this universal and omnipresent property that rules over my life. 

im watching myself all the time. as though, theres, not just a singular me. one that watches. one that controls the body. is the one that watches, me? maybe theres another one that thinks. or is the ones that watches the same one that thinks?

this material experiences feels like a dream.

all my senses feel like they aren't real.

301125

i want the world to stop

i want to keep up with the world. unfortunately, as much as i can, i simply cannot. 

except the pain of feeling behind makes trying to and worrying about it irresistible.

this ruthless march of time, why wont it stop, no, why wont it just slow down.

mayybe im at fault. i let my routines, my rituals, the structure of school, it consumes me and im too afraid to change it. im too afraid of unexpected change that it eats me so much i keep postponing and procrastinating. which, well, leaves me here, hundreds of days behind of where i could of been where i wanted to be. 

hopeless, it makes me feel terribly. 

yet know what? worry about it and act not is what i do. drown myself in the routines and monotonous repitition. stare at the white ceiling and keep daydreaming. no mental illnesses. no disabilites. nothing. im fully capable. i just dont, act. what makes it hurt more is exactly how the world keeps going and going. it keeps spinning. time keeps moving down its straight progression. the day i die draws closer and closer. yet i sit still while the rest of the world moves past me. i rot. i decay. im frozen. im stuck. im trapped in my mental world full of endless tormenting thoughts. 

i am to blame for all this hurt and frustration. i am fully at fault. everything is my blame. 

keep avoiding the things i want and need to do. keep existing. suffocate myself in my routines and self destructive unhealthy lifestyle i cant seem to throw away, cease to progress in life at all, avoid avoid avoid. let the problems grow worse and worse. sabotage myself by avoiding it so it hurts more and more. i feel the same awful things for i dont know how long. i want to escape. i want to fly away. so i submerge myself in music to escape it all. merge myself, fuse with it. fly away far away from everything. 

the sky, that i want to be. drift away, and disappear. somewhere, just not here. not me or me before. restart even. but better just to cease completely be best. 

i want to keep up so dearly yet, i was put here when i never wanted to. damned to want to keep up so desperately and fail so horribly. wouldnt it be reasonable that i were to just stop being? no more of anything. no more of me. no more. i can escape it all. wouldnt it be fair that i just stop existing? i fall so behind. they fade further and further. im invisbible. so why not not be? why not? i want the world to stop. but, really. i want to stop. i.  

 

 

 

rip this flesh off me

 being trapped in this body pains me. why is it that i have this face? i dont want this face, its so ugly. why is it that i have this face? i dont want this body, its so ugly. why was i forced into existence then given such a hideous body? 

fallible, filthy, weak, limited, sickening, ugly body. then it will rot and decay.

i want to rip my skin off. destroy it. scratch it all off. make my bones, my organs, my flesh, my muscle, my limbs, everything, make it all disappear. put me in a different body, a different life. a different person. not me. not me and its body. i often dig into my arms with my nails and imagining my skin peal off. i wish to be formless. let a body not define me. im nothing. just my character. who i am internally. my identity. my personality.

curse this face. it doesent feel like mine nor do i want it. i dont want this body. i dont want to be me. i dont want to be alive. its all so awful.   

i want to be attractive atleast. i want to be handsome. i want to be good looking. i dont want this body. discard it. i dont want it to define me externally. it doesent represent me. it doesent feel like me.  

i want a different body. a different face. i want to be attractive. i want to so bad.  

i want to feel

 i want to feel lots of things.

just things that, are, strong, and meaningful.

i want to feel the same novelty and freshness i felt a year ago. 

i want to break free from my past identity. i want to escape the bad memories. i want to escape being stuck. i want to feel. that. i want.
 

all my facial expressions are hideous

no matter what. ill look disgusting. especially if im smiling. sometimes i really wish i could just not have a face. no, just leave this filthy ugly body. and my face resembles the parent i would really prefer not to look like. and my facial expressions resemble their's too. welp. its hopeless what can i do. cant forget to mention when i talk i look just as disgusting. combine that with smiling or being angry... 

70 more years in this same body geez. do i seriously have to live to that age where i get that weak and ugly? ill probably be unable to bring myself to end my life. uehgegoerhgergevgwe;v its the only way to escape this body without waiting naturally. plus its a bonus since i dont have to deal with living with myself too.

im already this unattractive, why not wait for my parents to die so i can then do it. well, that might be in over forty years time. and ill be in my 50s. i dont want to imagine how horrible i will look at that age. 

i want to deny that i will be trapped in this flesh suit for the whole of my life. same face, same body, same height, same, same. and im expected to force offpsring into existence too. why? im ugly, why'd i want to put someone into this world without even their permission. thats exactly what my parents did, twice too. 

and guess what, if i do force someone into existence, they'll have a chance to inherit my hideous facial expressions.  

reading sophies world

 honestly reading this book at my age right is really fitting with how old Sophie is. just finished a chapter that finishes with mentioning her soon 15th birthday in a few weeks and yea, im pretty close to my 15th birthday too. and ive been getting into philosophy some more too. 

 

soon becomes past so quick

 i often go back to memories of imagning now or past events from the past. and thinking of it as soon. and now that soon is either now, already the past or the long past. its so strange. it doesent feel right but it is

-=][-=][-=]-[--=][-]

im sinking further and further behind people my age. it sucks, it hurts. i try to tell myself its pointless and that drowning myself in comparison is poison, and i think i am correct, but i cant help but do so. i often find myself envying other people's lives. the close and great friendships they have. the bodies they have. the discipline they have. the hobbies, the skills, the passions, the interests, the talents, the achievements, the personality, the identity, the possessions, the past, the experiences, the truly eventful, interesting and growing lives they have. i envy it so so terribly. 

i hold so much dissatisfaction to who i was and who i am now.   

so much jealously yet i do nothing. so much time that passes by thinking about it yet i do nothing. how pathetic. 

i really wouldnt mind

if i had an option, say, to summon a literal button infront of me right now, that would grant me to just vanish from existence. never existed. not as if i suddenly vanished and everyone else would wonder where i went. just, never have of existed/born. i would certainly press it. but, would i really? i would. but knowing me, id postpone it, and i dont know how long. weeks, months, years. maybe i wouldnt even. though im a sure i would. i dont have to wake up ever again. no more tommorow. no more pain. no more. no more consciousness. nothing. no more feeling. no more thinking. 

i dream of this so, so , so so so so, so much. 

press a button and i have to be alive anymore.