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i expect to feel more alive, by leaving inside to get a bit of fresh air in attempt to stop feeling suffocated, yet once im out. what do i feel? no different.

i still feel trapped inside my mind. trapped with the same feelings and wants and thoughts.

going out and being with social company and engaging in social interactions does keep me out of it, its just no use since it always present in the background and strikes back afterwards.

those profound, emotional, touching conversations and connections i crave so much.

those moving youthful teenage experiences.

why cant i change my life?

why cant i change myself?

why cant i act?

i want to feel deeply

i want to experience

i want to develop and grow

i dont want to feel empty anymore

i dont want to feel stuck anymore

i dont want to feel behind anymore

im collapsing, im falling, im rotting, im drowning

falling! falling! falling!

i get older everyday. those youthful experiences fall further and further from my reach

those points of progress fall further and further from my reach.

just when will it halt