teenage hormones!!!

when they hit, it hurts a heavy pain. but then it simmers away. every mood absorbs and consumes you, and then seems to leave to the next and so on. unpredictable, sudden, intense, chaotic. just leaves you drained, confused and internally conflicted. 

when it hurts, suicidal ideation often fills my mind, but pulling the canvas into full view, its a really just a temporary thing i bare through until it, always, ends.

adolescence, what a unstable period of youth it is

 

_?_?_

im in class right now. last period. last period of the week. next week will be the third last week of the school year. then this year of school will end. and so the next year. im still in the place where it was near the start of the year. it feels so sstrange

im a fool

 i left the microsd at home. so that means i spend that english period, wandering around looking for the card and down spiral of worrying and being upset about it was completely unneccesary. 

wow

im a fool 

math

i failed my annual math test, 2% from passing. 

mathematics is something that is quite interesting. its universal. 

though, i collapse when it comes to it in academic terms. 

i like the feeling i get when i get a question correct. i love the feeling of flow state when studying math. i love the gratification from solving hard questions. i still suck at algebra and my exam proves so. 0/9 on the algebra section. 25/52. miserable. that 7/51 i got for one of my graded math exams is seeping into next grade. 

welp. i need to study more. and put more effort and time into math, and school in general. 

i find how mathematics is so eternal and so present in the material world so interesting.

NOOO

I LOST MY MICROSD WITH A BUNCH OF VIDEOS AND PHOTOS

I DONT KNOW HOW THE HELL IT CAME OUT OF MY CAMERA.

I SEARCHED MY WHOLE BAG, NOT THERE.

SO ALL I CAN DO IT SCAVENGE FOR IT IN PLACES I WAS AT AFTER CLASS ENDS.

I DONT THINK ILL BE FINDING IT SO BYE TO 6 MONTHS OF VIDEOS,PHOTOS AND MEMORIES THEN. 

IF I CANT FIND IT, THEN, I JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT IT 

 

nothing changes, nothing novel, nothing meaningful, nothing memorable

for several months of my life, nothing seems to have really happened. nothing particularly meaningful. nothing quite memorable, nor novel. not even something that give me discomfort that it makes me develop and grow. no growth. no change.

im, here, im, stuck in this bubble, and no matter what, im too much of a coward to get out of it and i deceive myself into thinking im 'eventually' moving out of it when im really not. 

its all been the same rinse and repeat of the same terrible feelings. weeks loop and loop. i keep postponing, putting off, procrastinating. drowning myself in anxiety and distractions. everything is a blur now. time is a blur. a thick, unclear smudge of time on a blank canvas. 

i dont even know anymore. im aware inside, but i cant seem to get it out into the external world. i feel things. i feel feel things deeply. it hurts, hurts that i cant get these things out too. i dont know how to express them in any way. all attempts fail and im always left unsatisfied. i bury it all stronger and stronger down inside me the more time goes. 

i want to change but i dont quite know how to. i cant seem to climb another step on this ladder. im, sinking, suffocating, drowning