nothing changes, nothing novel, nothing meaningful, nothing memorable

for several months of my life, nothing seems to have really happened. nothing particularly meaningful. nothing quite memorable, nor novel. not even something that give me discomfort that it makes me develop and grow. no growth. no change.

im, here, im, stuck in this bubble, and no matter what, im too much of a coward to get out of it and i deceive myself into thinking im 'eventually' moving out of it when im really not. 

its all been the same rinse and repeat of the same terrible feelings. weeks loop and loop. i keep postponing, putting off, procrastinating. drowning myself in anxiety and distractions. everything is a blur now. time is a blur. a thick, unclear smudge of time on a blank canvas. 

i dont even know anymore. im aware inside, but i cant seem to get it out into the external world. i feel things. i feel feel things deeply. it hurts, hurts that i cant get these things out too. i dont know how to express them in any way. all attempts fail and im always left unsatisfied. i bury it all stronger and stronger down inside me the more time goes. 

i want to change but i dont quite know how to. i cant seem to climb another step on this ladder. im, sinking, suffocating, drowning