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ive been falling behind daily. financially, interests, skills, experiences, 

ive lost direction.

im hitting a place where my SI is at a mark of swallowing and ripping me apart.

im on a loss for any hope for my future.

i want to leave this flesh form.

i want to escape these demands.

all is temporary, nothing has value. do whatever, there is no much value to it, just consequence, only then all end with inevitable death, be it by own hands or nature.

this group of people ive lived in my entire living, forming rules and structures, sealing and painting over the filthiness of us.

this person im in, so frustrating and insufferable. 

wants for absence for last year only been met with still being alive.

cut this drag already.

cut it to stop.

dont let another month go by.

expiry dates soon. 

i wont create anything. 

i wont finish anything.

i wont accomplish anything.

i wont change anything.

i am.

very best.

gone now.

bleak aimless lethargy filled over by hedonistic, simulating escapist distraction.

go to a imaginery world(s) to get out temporarily of the real one.

romantically and platonically immerse into other's worlds.

seek all the instantly gratifying highs.

let that murky hopelessness simmer behind shitty lifestyle and impulsive arcade spending/ 

dissociate it all away.

all that i want to do that takes effort, time and attention be avoided and then self loathe everytime being reminded of it while continuing to not act on it.

watch others progress and create and grow.

escape it escape it escape it escape it escape it.

look at your body now, its got so unhealthy.

cower in fear and keep your desire for physical self expression in concern of external judgement burn inside and tear you up while soaking in envy and self hatred focusing on others.

you are at fault. you are the issue. cause is you.

death by self is by the thousands daily. fall into that group and nothing of much value would be there. die now, no value. die later, no value. die however, no value. 

another faceless gear among endless mob of others that chose to exit the game. 

struggles not unique, pains not unique, feelings not unique. no value, no specialty, only empty marbles with glitter in attempt to shine. 

another suicide, theres another coming up.

authenticity, individuality. 

no more than illusion?

a pig chasing a carrot mounted by a twig and string above it?

layer it over with social company and avoidance with activities. smile, laugh, socialise. temporary joy. avoid the returns. go ahead. do whatever remember. live, go ahead. cease living, go ahead. no value.