lonely lonely lonely

 

these past months have been really lonely.

ive growed considerably detached from my family. 

even with them, i cant seem to feel any sort of deep connection with them.

im not sure if its me unwillingly to initiate trying to form that connection which could help these feelings. but really i dont know. i dont feel safe/vulnerable opening up to any of them about how i feel or any personal heavy emotions or thoughts or challenges. 

so outwards of my social network right? 

friends. real life and online. that'll help right? except im too afraid and often cant get the motivation to put effort into making and social ties. making friends. social anxiety makes befriending people, which most likely requires me to approach or be first to launch the social interaction, really difficult. i just overthink in the confines of my overly familiar head. 

so online then right? well, same thing sort of. i have the desire to. but being overwhelmed by how and where and what to do just makes me blank out and no try. 

the only online friend ive been talking to is Cecelia. i want to talk to her more to get to know her, i want to build our friendship in a linear way. but i feel that it'll stay a straight line, possibly stagnant i fear. what makes it a challenge is our time difference, and has friends she prioritizes more than me. 

why cant i just try to meet other people in new ways online? 

i feel so fustrated and stuck and behind.

 i dream of being in a close trio of friends, doing really memorable,novel and interesting things. loads of adventures, activities, conversations, strong emotions.

it makes me feel miserable.