a lot of friendships in school are all just based on proximity. if your in the same class as someone compared to someone whos in a whole different school. that person will more likely befriend you. its interesting 

run all i want, but it wont fix anything

 i distract myself. or well, running away from all the things i want and need to do. im afraid. im uncertain. its out of my comfort zone. so i freeze and bail out. then time keeps going and i waste so many opportunites and loose so many possible experiences. i cant level up. i want to. im all at fault. its all my fault. i hate you 

making this post is like yelling something in a random direction in space not knowing who will hear it.

and what i yell is-

*make me disappear!!*

 

i want to disappear

disappear.

glide away.

die. 

cease existence.

be not.

i dont want to hurt anyone to disappear. except thats not how it all works.

i will hurt people if i die.

i dont want that.

 

dying physically hurts.

i dont it so much pain.

 

why? why consciousness?

why?

 

die.

me. die.

thats what i want.

 

day in day out.

distract myself ill let myself.

nevertheless its always there.

i always want to disappear.

but disappearing isnt easy.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(shinji & asuka dance gif to cheer up :} 

;;;

 come to think of it

i absolutely hate when i cry

especially if its in public, school most especially

people see me

im an ugly crier

its humiliating, embarrasing, overwhelming, makes me very vulnerable, gives me unwanted attention and people can perceive me (social anxiety damn you!!!)

if someone tries to talk to me ill cry even more.

if i keep thinking about what im crying about or crying in a public space ill cry even more about it. 

so yea

awful

 

im spiraling downhill

 i feel so stuck

i dont know how to expresss how i feel

i just distract myself to escape from it all

i loathe my self indescribably.

it hurts a lot, many reasons, too hard explainm.

im just going to bathe in music to avert my attention from my awful thoughts because they're getting really painful :] 

why?

<

why do i feel?

why do i have emotions? 

why do i have desires? 

why am i self awareness?

why am conscious every waking second?

why?

 >

 

please,, stop.

 

i dont really know when, but suicidal ideation has been on my mind for some time. and, the thing is, it never seems to leave for long, it always follows me everywhere i go. its either that its in the back of my mind lingering around, or, it bothers me for days on end.

it really hurts. i just want to stop thinking about it. 

the idea of disappearing. vanishing. escaping the chains of consciousness and self awareness. erasing myself. submitting myself to the hands of death. 

no more needing to wake up ever again. no need to maintain the hideous flesh sack the material world gave me, no possibility of harming my body out of self loathe, no more overwhelming emotions, no more social anxiety, no more pain. 

no more.

nothing.

an indescribable being of not existing.

yet i still am here. 

 

whats wrong with me?

 i socially isolate myself. for a reason im not clear of 

i get upset at certain people who try to interact with me and push them away.

i even push away people i want to socialize with. is this some sort of self worth issue

 

arent i just continueing to sabotage myself to sellf-destruction? not to forget my already self destructive lifestyle and habits.  

lonely lonely lonely

 

these past months have been really lonely.

ive growed considerably detached from my family. 

even with them, i cant seem to feel any sort of deep connection with them.

im not sure if its me unwillingly to initiate trying to form that connection which could help these feelings. but really i dont know. i dont feel safe/vulnerable opening up to any of them about how i feel or any personal heavy emotions or thoughts or challenges. 

so outwards of my social network right? 

friends. real life and online. that'll help right? except im too afraid and often cant get the motivation to put effort into making and social ties. making friends. social anxiety makes befriending people, which most likely requires me to approach or be first to launch the social interaction, really difficult. i just overthink in the confines of my overly familiar head. 

so online then right? well, same thing sort of. i have the desire to. but being overwhelmed by how and where and what to do just makes me blank out and no try. 

the only online friend ive been talking to is Cecelia. i want to talk to her more to get to know her, i want to build our friendship in a linear way. but i feel that it'll stay a straight line, possibly stagnant i fear. what makes it a challenge is our time difference, and has friends she prioritizes more than me. 

why cant i just try to meet other people in new ways online? 

i feel so fustrated and stuck and behind.

 i dream of being in a close trio of friends, doing really memorable,novel and interesting things. loads of adventures, activities, conversations, strong emotions.

it makes me feel miserable. 

 

fake fake fake fake fake

i changed.

i dont feel that my sense of self is validated.

i dont feel that my deepest emotions, feelings and desires can be validated.

i dont feel validated.

im fake

im faking it all

i wasnt the kind of person that i am now in the past

why cant i change the past

i want to erase it all

 

01101001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00001010

ive been spending countless hours browsing the internet and online media from 15-20 years ago, im pretty submerged into it. which leaves me really wanting to experience it. but its the past. i cant really experience it. yet the web is something that i love. i love bathing in it. its well a distraction, which probably isnt healthy or anything but i cant help it. 

i feel so detached from the material and real world. all the exhausting maintenance the human body needs. i hate it. 

i feel really emotionally isolated, even though i can meet anyone on the internet in so many ways, im too afraid, i just push them away or something. i want deep social connections, my social network ties are so weak and frail. its collapsing. im falling, and with what seems, little to no grace.  

 

 

6F 63 74 6F 62 65 72 20 0A already.

 october. [01 6F 63 74 6F 62 65 72 20 0A 25 today] 

how. 

how 

how 

how how

how how

how 

howhowhow

 

no

hows its been a year

now

no

nonon

nnono

onno

nonononono

nonono

onnononono no.

 

nono                       nono              nonononono

nononono               nono       nono                 nono

nono     nono          nono     nono                     nono

nono       nono        nono     nono                     nono

nono          nono     nono       nono                   nono

nono            nono   nono          nono            nono        

nono              nono nono                nononono              no

 

i feel behind from how i imagined id be at in life

what

ive still not experiences those things i thought id experience already.

i want to stop it

wheres my kill switch

shut me down

terminate my system

shut it all down

destroy my battery, my cpu, gpu, motherboard, everything. 

make it all disappear

I want to disappear.

 

 

 

PNWENFFJWE

countless days lost to a sea of endless absurd
feel it, feel the neurons sending electrical signals, except, conceptualise it so poorly and definitely articulate it at all.
humans are condemned in the confines of their mind, if a specific piece of external or internal sensory stimuli, its possible it’ll take over most of our main focus. ignoring everything around you.
be aware of everything, of you, the material and internal. metacognition. your own opinions, primal instincts, desires, needs, foundations of existence, evolutionary nature of ones self, 

now view the canvas into its absolute. is such extremes of self awareness a blatant curse?

why? just why?